Thursday Shenanigan: Maturity and Being Just Friends with Exes

When it comes to life, I believe simple is better. I don’t like complications. So I put that belief into everything and whatever I do. Relationships included. Friend equals friend. Ex equals ex. Boyfriend equals boyfriend. Toaster equals toaster. Let’s-not-mix-up-roles-let-everyone-know-where-they-stand thingy.

However lately, I’ve been caught up in conversations about having contacts with exes and sharing throwback gist with them every now and then. Tête-à-têtes in extreme cases. Now as much as I’m an advocate for to-each-his-own, I don’t believe in being friends with exes. In fact, when someone tells me we-can-still-be-friends after a breakup, I see it as insulting because the end result of that (usually) is the friends-with-benefits zone and at best, a situation where you tell me everything going on in your life including your heart troubles (things you told me when we were in a relationship). Why would I want to put myself through such misery? Just why?!!

Bandaged Heart

Let’s say I even go ahead to chuck my feelings at the time and listen to the woes, the best I’d give is “sound” advice which will obviously not be sound or a couple of eh-yahs rightly interjected in necessary places. So for me, it’s best we go our separate ways. It’s not about being immature. It’s about self-respect and then mutual respect in the afterthought. It means I respect myself enough to give me time away from you to heal and I respect you enough to not come to you with stories about how I have things going good or bad (without you).

Here’s where maturity and civility can come in. If after said relationship, we see each other anywhere and everywhere, I’ll personally take it upon myself to ask about all the months in between the last time we spoke and that day we met again. In fact, give me the full download and I’ll be the best sounding board you’ve had in months. Also feel free to call me up three or more months later to tell me how my advice worked and ask how I’m doing. But do not, I REPEAT, do not call me the very next day to ask if I’d like to hook up sometime or if I missed you in the time we’ve been apart. Nna, please don’t make me wire you shiko there.

Moving on, as much as I realize that examining one’s life from time to time is needed, I don’t think reminiscing with Exes is the way to go. Yes there are days when you look back and say, “Oh! I had it good with so-and-so person” and there will be days when you’ll say “I’m not going to act in so-and-so because that was my mistake with this person”. But in all of those I-wish moments and now-I-know-better days, don’t share them with the characters involved.

image

Usually when the past reaches out, it is for a feel-good moment. So if you’re reading this, please know that moving on without the baggage of let’s-be-friends is maturity too.

My 25kobo!

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13 thoughts on “Thursday Shenanigan: Maturity and Being Just Friends with Exes

    1. You know!! It starts with “let’s be friends”, then later it’s “let’s be everything else so long as we’re not dating”. Complicated is too much trouble jare. Thanks for reading @4mulae.

  1. Once, few years ago, I dated someone for a few months less than a year, and then we broke up; We kept in touch and ended up dating for another 3years+.
    All the time, we don’t know the value of what we have until we lose it; some of those times, life gives us another shot to make right our wrongs. You never know.
    I’m not saying we should always stay friends with our exes – not that I’ve had so many, I’m not just the type to live by ‘the script’ or have premeditated guidelines on how to deal with situations like that. I trust myself enough to deal with issues as they come.

    Lovely write-up, Zay.

    1. Yaaaay Yakis!!

      True we don’t usually know what we have till it’s gone but then, how many people out there actually broke up and had the chance to make it right by dating again? Many end up holding on to hopes of maybe we’ll get together again if we remain friends and we could have it better then.

      In the long run, someone will try to test the waters of F-buddies and FWBs with the other person and usually, they get successful with it. At the end of the day, someone is left with an even more broken heart or bitterness toward the other party. Things that could have been avoided if everyone had parted ways gracefully.

      Another thing, parting ways gracefully doesn’t mean you stop being friends. It only means there are boundaries and the other person is not the first point of call for good, bad and every news in between.

      Basically wish the other party well, be friendly whenever you guys talk or meet (not dating anymore doesn’t have to make us enemies). Das all

  2. Once broken is always broken. Although circumstances for the break up may determine if the couples want to stay in touch with each other thereafter.
    Avoid complications!
    Nice thought, Madam.

  3. Hey Zay,

    Nice and yet again wonderful piece… Well-written.

    But I think i would like to agree with @Yakis cause sometimes we are too blinded with stuffs that we forget we are loosing the best part of one selves… until we loose them then we realize what we have lost. You can always be friends and close ones at that and yet make it very matured and not even complicated… Sometimes we try to make up for the past and right the wrongs we have actually committed in the relationship.

    Remember how the friendship and bases of the friendship is defined, would matter a lot at this point. Besides lets all make it ARIGHT with our “Exes” *smiles* and “LET’S Be Friends”….*LOL*

    Thanks ZAY

    1. I don’t agree with you but then, it’s just my opinion. if it works for you, oh cool. But as I said to @yakis, those few times when it actually works are rare. other times, it’s just code word for FWB or F*** Buddies.

      But then, that’s just my opinion.

  4. I wrote something really longish before…internet winches and wizards conspired to not allow it pass…i can’t type it all up again.

    Main gist of it tho is – if you shut the door and burn the bridge, how can exes ever have the chance of ‘making it work again’?

    While your piece is a good read, i still believe when we talk about relationships, most of us miss the point. Why would u get in a relarionahip with someone who u are not totally convinced u don’t ever wanna lose? And if for whatever reason that happens, why would you then not want to have a way to work it out?

    My earlier scripting was better articulated…..

    1. Bloody hell…that earlier type up was 100 times better and expressive. Pardon my French… In any case, like you said…its your opinion…but, when we put things out like this…we are looking for a congregation of opinions on the matter. Will you say your opinion is the only right one? ‘Cos of say, na u write the piece? Errrm, before i digress too much…better piece.

      1. Hahahaha… At all o. I no get final say on all debates no matter how much I disagree. My opinion can’t be the only right one as different strokes, different folks and people are different. Recently a friend told me how he’s still great friends with his exes and no lines have been crossed and that one na after Yakis own o. So maybe wetin work for A no fit work for B, but in the end, it all depends on the who dey involved.

        I’ve learnt from this though and I’m seeing angles I didn’t see before. Thank you bro @shai.

    2. Hmmmmmm… These thoughts here though, make me think I should rethink my position on this. I think here’s where the time-will-tell factor can play. But then one has to be open for that to happen, yes? Sometimes hurts can’t be quantified sha, especially if they take a chunk out of a person’s self-esteem. Hence the reason some of us would rather just cut am well. But still I’ll rethink.

      These internet winches should have let the previous one go o. I for like see the unedited thought processes.

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